Ok, so it's 3:45 PM and I'm still wearing PJs. The ones I was wearing last night, yes.
And I'm pissed off. Chris has cancelled and is behaving very coldly. Kieran also drunkenly confessed. Not my ex, a different Kieran. Now both he and Ian are embarressedly ignoring me.
Ah, sometimes you've just got to laugh at people. Their natural impulses are so lame. But as both dual animal and spirit, how are we supposed to get rid of the base element without denying our own true nature?
Bottom line is, we're meant to be flawed.
So where's the humour in that? I guess it exists only in my need to pass off hurt and "walk it off", so to speak.
My plans for today? Having spent the entire morning online, I now intend to do something with my life and...sing all afternoon. My voice has been sounding a little harsh lately and I'm a bit worried about it - I haven't had a chance to sing a lot this last week, what with college starting and work and German worries consuming my life.
O_o
I should really try to write something, but writer's block is still reigning supreme. Oh, yay. lol. Or I could watch that DVD I got on Tuesday, "Blood and Chocolate" - it looks like the most amazing crap ever, but I liked the title. And since "Ginger Snaps", if it's got females, and werewolves, then....I gotta see it.
My life is really dragging on. Day after pointless day. No love. No friends. No nothing.
I'm not really feeling that bad, though - I've got over that stage. And being muleishly determined to BE HAPPY does count for something.
I miss Maria. I can't wait for the day when we'll be together. One day, I will make all (or at least the vast majority of) my dreams come true.
I am determined.
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Third Post
Okay, so who said titles were my speciality? I like my titles to be functional, and practical, and plain. Just like me.
Lol now you KNOW I'm lying.
So, this rant is about alcohol. I'm alone at12:45 AM on a Friday...uh, Saturday morning. I am also a single 17-year-old in today's Britain.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!??!!?!
Whereas this IS my (and therefore, any standard teenager in my situation's) standard first reaction, I think this later on reveals itself to be the usual trap everyone from police officers to your mum (mom for all the americans) and dad's been warning you about since you were five. The "bad company" that drag you into sex and drugs.
Peer pressure. Good old fashioned peer pressure.
It all boils down to that. Even to the point where it gets to you on the inside. It infects you, pollutes you, gets to the point where you can't think but feel its presence.
It's always been the same for all outsiders. Granted, my previous experiences have gifted me with a certain level of paranoia - but I'm sure every high-school outcast will testify to this - that no matter how much you may mock the ones who disowned you, you still secretly want to be like them. Accepted. Cool. One of the pack.
Going to college was a lot better for me, but there are still a lot of lingering high-school issues that are still around. Not only in the surroundings, but me myself.
Another realization: I won't ever leave High School until High School leaves me.
And now Ian's sulking because I won't go on webcam. I told him my hair was a mess and I was wearing PJs - an excuse/answer I thought would be easy for him to swallow. Vanity is expected, even worshiped amongst young females. What happened to Medieval posterity? BRING BACK THE NUNS, I SAY!
*sigh* 1 AM and the news is getting boring. At least four hours until sleep. I wonder what I'll do tonight. I hope Chris'll get in touch for tomorrow's...thing. I don't want to call it a date, because a date implies an understanding, an acknowledgement of a communal feeling.
With Chris....I don't even know what it is we share. It could be rebound on his behalf - sheer and utter sexual fustration on mine. (God, I love this being an annonymous blog...) I don't even know. I think I got over that stage of getting out of a relationship - the time where you'll fuck anything that moves just to reassure yourself that you're still an attractive mate.
Or something like that. I still can't analyse it fully.
Hah. Ian's getting gradually more and more pissed off. I should just go offline and let him sober up. But I won't. Why? Cause I'm so damn selfish. I could and should have said earlier that I didn't have a webcam. But I didn't. Why? A mixture of laziness and selfishness. I was too lazy to invent an apropriate lie - and so selfish that I didn't give a shit what he thought, I knew I'd do just what I want anyway.
Should I have given in? Hm. Maybe not. No, this isn't me just making my usual noises of sarcastic glee. I'm actually thinking about this. But I don't think so. I don't trust Ian.
Poor Dex. He came stumbling over the grass into college today with his face all wet and full of tears. I hung back, in case he wanted his "manly dignaty" preserved in just the presence of Chris - but at length my curiosity got the better of me and I came forward to find out what the matter is. Kirsty's broken up with him. She's saying it's for Uni reasons, but everyone knows she just got bored.
I like Dex and Kirsty, though. Or Dex and, seperately, Kirsty - as it now must be. Good people. Kind. Dex, in particular, is one of those people I feel like I could actually trust. I don't - but I feel like I could. Plus, I owe him. He's helped me out before when I was feeling low. Brought me out of that snake pit, the Common Room, when it was all getting too much.
I owe him. But now he's dropped out I hardly ever get to see him. He's just one more college dropout, another faceless punk working for the Government. And it's such a shame...
My favourite sentance out of the whole conversation with Ian: "kierans a sleaze and aled's fuck ugly, of course im not comparing"
(Once again, I am thankful no-one knows - or cares - about this blog.)
I've got stuck. I've been batting around words pretty well up till now.
Raven Echos says:
ah well
Raven Echos says:
no one takes an interest
Raven Echos says:
im used to it
Lol now you KNOW I'm lying.
So, this rant is about alcohol. I'm alone at12:45 AM on a Friday...uh, Saturday morning. I am also a single 17-year-old in today's Britain.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!??!!?!
Whereas this IS my (and therefore, any standard teenager in my situation's) standard first reaction, I think this later on reveals itself to be the usual trap everyone from police officers to your mum (mom for all the americans) and dad's been warning you about since you were five. The "bad company" that drag you into sex and drugs.
Peer pressure. Good old fashioned peer pressure.
It all boils down to that. Even to the point where it gets to you on the inside. It infects you, pollutes you, gets to the point where you can't think but feel its presence.
It's always been the same for all outsiders. Granted, my previous experiences have gifted me with a certain level of paranoia - but I'm sure every high-school outcast will testify to this - that no matter how much you may mock the ones who disowned you, you still secretly want to be like them. Accepted. Cool. One of the pack.
Going to college was a lot better for me, but there are still a lot of lingering high-school issues that are still around. Not only in the surroundings, but me myself.
Another realization: I won't ever leave High School until High School leaves me.
And now Ian's sulking because I won't go on webcam. I told him my hair was a mess and I was wearing PJs - an excuse/answer I thought would be easy for him to swallow. Vanity is expected, even worshiped amongst young females. What happened to Medieval posterity? BRING BACK THE NUNS, I SAY!
*sigh* 1 AM and the news is getting boring. At least four hours until sleep. I wonder what I'll do tonight. I hope Chris'll get in touch for tomorrow's...thing. I don't want to call it a date, because a date implies an understanding, an acknowledgement of a communal feeling.
With Chris....I don't even know what it is we share. It could be rebound on his behalf - sheer and utter sexual fustration on mine. (God, I love this being an annonymous blog...) I don't even know. I think I got over that stage of getting out of a relationship - the time where you'll fuck anything that moves just to reassure yourself that you're still an attractive mate.
Or something like that. I still can't analyse it fully.
Hah. Ian's getting gradually more and more pissed off. I should just go offline and let him sober up. But I won't. Why? Cause I'm so damn selfish. I could and should have said earlier that I didn't have a webcam. But I didn't. Why? A mixture of laziness and selfishness. I was too lazy to invent an apropriate lie - and so selfish that I didn't give a shit what he thought, I knew I'd do just what I want anyway.
Should I have given in? Hm. Maybe not. No, this isn't me just making my usual noises of sarcastic glee. I'm actually thinking about this. But I don't think so. I don't trust Ian.
Poor Dex. He came stumbling over the grass into college today with his face all wet and full of tears. I hung back, in case he wanted his "manly dignaty" preserved in just the presence of Chris - but at length my curiosity got the better of me and I came forward to find out what the matter is. Kirsty's broken up with him. She's saying it's for Uni reasons, but everyone knows she just got bored.
I like Dex and Kirsty, though. Or Dex and, seperately, Kirsty - as it now must be. Good people. Kind. Dex, in particular, is one of those people I feel like I could actually trust. I don't - but I feel like I could. Plus, I owe him. He's helped me out before when I was feeling low. Brought me out of that snake pit, the Common Room, when it was all getting too much.
I owe him. But now he's dropped out I hardly ever get to see him. He's just one more college dropout, another faceless punk working for the Government. And it's such a shame...
My favourite sentance out of the whole conversation with Ian: "kierans a sleaze and aled's fuck ugly, of course im not comparing"
(Once again, I am thankful no-one knows - or cares - about this blog.)
I've got stuck. I've been batting around words pretty well up till now.
Raven Echos says:
ah well
Raven Echos says:
no one takes an interest
Raven Echos says:
im used to it
Stupid girl. "No, that can't be true." That entails the obvious question, "why not?" and if he asks it, I don't have an answer.
Well, not a suitably adjusted and connotation-censored one, anyway.
At last, a responce! "Yep".
Lol.
I should post this. A post this size and strength to remain undeleted accidenatlly is just tempting fate. It's twenty to two and my dad is snoring. One last myspace check...nope, still nothing. I had rather hoped Dewi would have replied to the pointless reply I left him. He comes on, drunk, still asking for PC. You can imagine my responce. I have to confess, it was along the lines of..."ZOMG YOU'RE ONLINE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK AND STILL ASKING FOR PICTURE COMMENTS!??!?! OMG GET A LIFE!!!"
I'm a harsh bitch.
>_<
Tired. Maybe sleep will come now. Or maybe it'll just disapear when I lie down again. Just like always.
Omg, 2 AM and I'm still a fucking genius.
I miss Pokemon
Now that my blogging tools have stopped translating everything I say into Hindustani, I can maybe make the point I originally came on here to do.
I've been hanging out on the Rumours board of Imnotokay.net - like I normally do. Every time I go on there it seems like someone else is going to bite my head off for simply not agreeing with them.
But because I'm so full of myself and cannot possibly keep my opinions to myself (hence this blog, too) I keep on logging on and posting my opinions, which are generally contrary to what most other people seem to be saying. Then, because I refuse to back down OR walk away, we get into a heated argument about people we have never met and will never fully understand.
Silly, isn't it?
I miss Pokemon. Just the sight of it on some Myspace video was enough to get me all nostalgic. Took my right back to primary school afternoons at Sarah's house, playing the Pokemon board game and watching the episodes, feeling vastly superior that I was now 10, now able to leave to train Pokemon and travel the world and live an unending, uncomplicated existance.
There's something so very reassuring about watching children's TV. Good children's TV, that is. There are good guys and bad guys, but the good is always seperate from the evil and evil goes home with its arse kicked.
This never happens in real life. Ok, so there are some people out there who are good old-fashioned pure, seething evil. But how many "good" people have "bad" tendencies? And how many "bad" people are actually pretty "good"?
It's like the man said - good and bad are just names for actions that people do. You can say "oh, that's a good thing that person did" or "oh, that's a bad thing that person did" but if you're looking for the truth (and are overly obsessed with details and uber-realism like myself) you can never clearly make judgements like that about people ever again.
I think this has been one of the major discoveries for me while growing up. One that Pokemon and Digimon, Max Steel and all the other (boys') shows I used to watched didn't really help at all.
Which brings us to the greatest dilemma of all: truth or pleasent fiction?
And when it's all theoretical anyway, is it even worth the waste of brain power on this question?
I've been hanging out on the Rumours board of Imnotokay.net - like I normally do. Every time I go on there it seems like someone else is going to bite my head off for simply not agreeing with them.
But because I'm so full of myself and cannot possibly keep my opinions to myself (hence this blog, too) I keep on logging on and posting my opinions, which are generally contrary to what most other people seem to be saying. Then, because I refuse to back down OR walk away, we get into a heated argument about people we have never met and will never fully understand.
Silly, isn't it?
I miss Pokemon. Just the sight of it on some Myspace video was enough to get me all nostalgic. Took my right back to primary school afternoons at Sarah's house, playing the Pokemon board game and watching the episodes, feeling vastly superior that I was now 10, now able to leave to train Pokemon and travel the world and live an unending, uncomplicated existance.
There's something so very reassuring about watching children's TV. Good children's TV, that is. There are good guys and bad guys, but the good is always seperate from the evil and evil goes home with its arse kicked.
This never happens in real life. Ok, so there are some people out there who are good old-fashioned pure, seething evil. But how many "good" people have "bad" tendencies? And how many "bad" people are actually pretty "good"?
It's like the man said - good and bad are just names for actions that people do. You can say "oh, that's a good thing that person did" or "oh, that's a bad thing that person did" but if you're looking for the truth (and are overly obsessed with details and uber-realism like myself) you can never clearly make judgements like that about people ever again.
I think this has been one of the major discoveries for me while growing up. One that Pokemon and Digimon, Max Steel and all the other (boys') shows I used to watched didn't really help at all.
Which brings us to the greatest dilemma of all: truth or pleasent fiction?
And when it's all theoretical anyway, is it even worth the waste of brain power on this question?
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