Lol now you KNOW I'm lying.
So, this rant is about alcohol. I'm alone at12:45 AM on a Friday...uh, Saturday morning. I am also a single 17-year-old in today's Britain.
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME??!?!??!!?!
Whereas this IS my (and therefore, any standard teenager in my situation's) standard first reaction, I think this later on reveals itself to be the usual trap everyone from police officers to your mum (mom for all the americans) and dad's been warning you about since you were five. The "bad company" that drag you into sex and drugs.
Peer pressure. Good old fashioned peer pressure.
It all boils down to that. Even to the point where it gets to you on the inside. It infects you, pollutes you, gets to the point where you can't think but feel its presence.
It's always been the same for all outsiders. Granted, my previous experiences have gifted me with a certain level of paranoia - but I'm sure every high-school outcast will testify to this - that no matter how much you may mock the ones who disowned you, you still secretly want to be like them. Accepted. Cool. One of the pack.
Going to college was a lot better for me, but there are still a lot of lingering high-school issues that are still around. Not only in the surroundings, but me myself.
Another realization: I won't ever leave High School until High School leaves me.
And now Ian's sulking because I won't go on webcam. I told him my hair was a mess and I was wearing PJs - an excuse/answer I thought would be easy for him to swallow. Vanity is expected, even worshiped amongst young females. What happened to Medieval posterity? BRING BACK THE NUNS, I SAY!
*sigh* 1 AM and the news is getting boring. At least four hours until sleep. I wonder what I'll do tonight. I hope Chris'll get in touch for tomorrow's...thing. I don't want to call it a date, because a date implies an understanding, an acknowledgement of a communal feeling.
With Chris....I don't even know what it is we share. It could be rebound on his behalf - sheer and utter sexual fustration on mine. (God, I love this being an annonymous blog...) I don't even know. I think I got over that stage of getting out of a relationship - the time where you'll fuck anything that moves just to reassure yourself that you're still an attractive mate.
Or something like that. I still can't analyse it fully.
Hah. Ian's getting gradually more and more pissed off. I should just go offline and let him sober up. But I won't. Why? Cause I'm so damn selfish. I could and should have said earlier that I didn't have a webcam. But I didn't. Why? A mixture of laziness and selfishness. I was too lazy to invent an apropriate lie - and so selfish that I didn't give a shit what he thought, I knew I'd do just what I want anyway.
Should I have given in? Hm. Maybe not. No, this isn't me just making my usual noises of sarcastic glee. I'm actually thinking about this. But I don't think so. I don't trust Ian.
Poor Dex. He came stumbling over the grass into college today with his face all wet and full of tears. I hung back, in case he wanted his "manly dignaty" preserved in just the presence of Chris - but at length my curiosity got the better of me and I came forward to find out what the matter is. Kirsty's broken up with him. She's saying it's for Uni reasons, but everyone knows she just got bored.
I like Dex and Kirsty, though. Or Dex and, seperately, Kirsty - as it now must be. Good people. Kind. Dex, in particular, is one of those people I feel like I could actually trust. I don't - but I feel like I could. Plus, I owe him. He's helped me out before when I was feeling low. Brought me out of that snake pit, the Common Room, when it was all getting too much.
I owe him. But now he's dropped out I hardly ever get to see him. He's just one more college dropout, another faceless punk working for the Government. And it's such a shame...
My favourite sentance out of the whole conversation with Ian: "kierans a sleaze and aled's fuck ugly, of course im not comparing"
(Once again, I am thankful no-one knows - or cares - about this blog.)
I've got stuck. I've been batting around words pretty well up till now.
Raven Echos says:
ah well
Raven Echos says:
no one takes an interest
Raven Echos says:
im used to it
Stupid girl. "No, that can't be true." That entails the obvious question, "why not?" and if he asks it, I don't have an answer.
Well, not a suitably adjusted and connotation-censored one, anyway.
At last, a responce! "Yep".
Lol.
I should post this. A post this size and strength to remain undeleted accidenatlly is just tempting fate. It's twenty to two and my dad is snoring. One last myspace check...nope, still nothing. I had rather hoped Dewi would have replied to the pointless reply I left him. He comes on, drunk, still asking for PC. You can imagine my responce. I have to confess, it was along the lines of..."ZOMG YOU'RE ONLINE WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK AND STILL ASKING FOR PICTURE COMMENTS!??!?! OMG GET A LIFE!!!"
I'm a harsh bitch.
>_<
Tired. Maybe sleep will come now. Or maybe it'll just disapear when I lie down again. Just like always.
Omg, 2 AM and I'm still a fucking genius.
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